Did anyone else hear Taco Bell is giving away $12,500 Taco Bell Bucks for a donated PS3? I mean, is that even a fair exchange?  Since when did dog-food tacos become a form of US currency?  And what is this about them giving the donated PS3 to the Boys & Girls Club?  You all know damn well that some Taco Bell Head of Marketing is just a lazy fat fuck who wants a stolen PS3 that was probably pried from the kung-fu grip of a 12 year-old handicap kid with an obese evil step-dad, delivered to the foot of his TV… all while he chows on Nacho Supremes and Mexican Pizzas, and “Muhahaha’s” at how he took advantage of the Taco Bell “System”.

I think Brit missed the memo on camel toe and its past tense existence in contemporary fashion.  Just when I thought cunt hugging tights and leggings were culturally abrasive, Brit busts the female equivalent of “free balling” not only to her whore-in-crime, Paris, but all of Hollywood paparazzi (aka the WORLD).  You know, it must be really great being the paparazzi– they get to hang out all day with their homies and get in glamorized tickle fights with some of Mother Nature’s greatest creations like Denise Richards and Carmen Diaz, and now they get a free peep show of Brits forbidden fruits.  Likewise, it must be really great to be a washed up thunder cunt like Brit, who has already exposed so much of herself that it is only natural to now show what type of conditions the immerging baby Sean Preston had to deal with.

If you are itching to bust some triple axles and toe picks, head on down to the yearly Pershing Square Ice-skating Rink located Downtown on Olive and 5th.  Not only is it in time for the holiday season, but you can catch the ice here in LA all the way until January 15th.  I don’t know what’s better- fake ice in LA, fake beaches in the desert of Vegas, or fake fat in Hollywood lips.  God Bless America.

For more information on skating hours and schedule, please clickidy click: http://www.laparks.org/pershingsquare/doi.htm

Okay, so maybe it’s Me and You and Everyone you Know, but for the sake of a non-two dimensional world, everything is better when it includes “your mom”.  Anyhow, enter Indie film great Miranda July (director, writer, and on-screen character) and a few unfamiliar faces and you’ve got yourself one of the most insignificant, yet astounding movies of the Sundance Film realm.  In hindsight I still don’t really know what the movie is about, but what I do remember is the overwhelming thematic use of the beauty of human interaction and the overall irony of human nature.  Oh yeah, and something about poo.  The film takes a monumental step back from Hollywood “ideals” into a cozy realm of human thought, discovery, and simplicity, and all in all captivates the viewer by the refreshing happy go-lucky, lemonade stand-esque lifestyle, which is only matched by Kevin and Winnie and striped tube socks in the first season of The Wonder Years.  Me and You and Everyone You Know was actually officially released in 2005, but “The Stink” wasn’t around to spread the Indie love.  So go pick up the DVD at your local Blockbuster, drink some wine, laugh, cry, and express your emotions through finger-paints. Welcome to your first Art House film.  Remember… baby steps.

Is the smittee you’re smitten worth the wait?  Here are a few rules to tell if you need to redistribute your eggs:

1. the ratio of “call backs” is about 3:1 and are often facilitated by shady, low-quality “text backs”
2. no drunk dials
3. they talk about hooking you up with their fat virgin friend
4. they talk about hooking up with your friends
5. there are no attempts on their behalf to booty block
6. they instant message you derogatory messages out of the blue, followed by dirty talk, followed by indirect requests for some ass
7. they don’t smuggle you drinks when their friends have a VIP table at Vanguard they send you Birthday grams with cartoon squirrels singing “lets be friends… forever”
8. they aren’t reluctant to introduce you to their parents
9. you know about every one of their hook-ups since they were 16 and all the gruesome details/dialogue.

It was once said to “not shit on my cupcake and tell me its frosting.”  Well that’s exactly how I feel about Little Pedro’s.  Yes it’s a Mexican food restaurant, yes it’s downtown, yes it’s in an uncomfortably close radius to Skid Row, and yes it’s probably been shitted on a few times.  The restaurant is nothing great and probably does not deserve the longstanding hail it has, but I’ll let you know what does.  Mickey Champion, jazz and blues vocalist, performing live every Tuesday.

There’s the frosting (Okay, maybe I took the analogy a little out of context).  Her credentials stem from co-performances with jazz and blues greats Count Basie, Duke Ellington, Billy Holliday, Ike and Tina Turner, Johnny Adams, Ruth Brown Jackie Wilson, Johnny Otis, Albert King and Roy Milton.  With a voice to kill, this is an opportunity that should not be missed.  Here’s a hint: A great date idea!

Little Pedro’s 901 E. 1st Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012
(213) 687-3766
Mickey Champion performances: Tuesdays @ 10pm

At what point does masturbation and a relationship’s sex life collide?  Testimony concludes the innate nature of men and masturbation, but is it urban legend, lame excuse, or proven fact?  Let’s look at the facts.  Sources say it is natural for males to masturbate daily or even more frequently well into their 20s and sometimes far beyond.  And although it is generally believed that individuals who are not in sexually active relationships tend to masturbate more frequently than those who are, much of the time this is not true as it has been found that even those in healthy relationships often masturbate with or without their partner.  In fact, in the sense of a sexual relationship, masturbation can be particularly useful when one partner wants more sex than the other — in which case masturbation can be used to balance a difference of desires.

So my answer is this. Relationships + Sex = Moderation and compromise.  Once in a relationship, masturbation alone should not be abused and/or excessive enough to interfere with a couple’s sex life; rather it should exist by either partner as a mutually agreeable sphere of pleasure or sexual facilitation.

 Somehow in this crazy little world, the fashion industry has made the hop onto the Special Ed trend-wagon.  That or maybe people are finding getting dressed in the morning just a little more complicated than it used to be.  Unless you are trying to live vicariously through “the Ringer,” this seriously hurts my heart.  Please take a moment to ask yourself: Is your fashion sense up to “tard” par?   

For the sake of Asian-Americans and their ethnic dignity, please avoid:

1. Symmetrical oversized buttons coupled with corduroy
2. Suspenders Pastel prints on cotton featuring adolescent patterns (i.e. bengy bunny rabbits, popsicles, ABC’s, and butterflies)
3. Oversized and unfitted Shirts with fully exposed pocket
4. Wearing aprons as dressewearing
5. Other forms of clothing as leg warmersleg warmersover detailed shoes that appear brace-like and/or rain boot-likeanything that is agreeably over-vintage
6. velcro shoes 

Does standard etiquette apply in the presence of the rich and famous?  Well does the mere sight of James Franco not make me want to jump/hump on it?  Here are a few life lessons experienced first-hand on what NOT to do when approaching a celebrity.

1. Absolutely no air-humping/grinding when their back is turned.
2. Do not tell them that you are hotter than the girls in their video
3. Do not tell them to call you if they need more hot girls/guys in their video.
4. Do not steal their trash as a memento- it is dirty, weird, and kind of creepy.
5. Avoid obvious and pathetic conversation starters, i.e. do notask for a “light” when you clearly aren’t smoking and are wearing your 5th grade D.A.R.E. t-shirt

Avoid obvious and pathetic conversation starters, i.e. do not ask for a “light” when you clearly aren’t smoking and are wearing your 5th grade D.A.R.E. t-shirt.

Instead:

1. Know some form of their name.  I’m not even saying the extended name, or full name, or proper name… just some form of their name to show you aren’t just aimlessly gawking. 2. Pull their IMDB stats up on your webphone and act like their biggest fan (strategically using names and dates).
3. Take pictures of your friends with the unsuspecting celebrity in the background.  It is less suspicious that way and it is absolutely your right if they are in your free range.

Did you and your friends roll ridiculously deep this Halloween?  Did the wide array of Donald Duck to Chuckie the Doll to Condoleezza Rice to Naughty School Girl costumes take away from the overall group cohesion?  Lucky for you I compiled my personal top 6 Group Halloween Costume ideas for you and your posse and your posse’s posse pleasure:
pleasure.

- Peanut M&Ms—assorted colors
- Homeless Bums and/or Crackwhores walking in Downtown with shopping carts on Spring and 2nd
- The United Nations (include your friends of different races)
- Bricks— painted red and pebbled with the ability to stack periodically throughout the night
- Flava Flav and his assorted reality TV bitches (clocks are absolutely necessary)
- An assembly of firemen with shirts that say “I put out.”