If you’re wondering what that specimen is on the floor of the Kauai Airport, you definitely guessed it! It’s David Hasselhoff’s flailing older brother Nick Nolte. I only wish I had a dollar for the last time I saw an inebriated celebrity wash-up, passed out in public vicinity. Sources say Nick was passing in and out of consciousness for more than two hours after their flight was delayed due to engine problems – and I highly doubt it was from complications with the cabin-pressure!

If you ever wanted to know what the son of a killer terrorist looks like, peep the specs. Omar bin Laden, photographed here, has just about the judgment of a schizophrenic roly poly (or it’s equivalent) – he recently got hitched to a literal grandma that’s almost twice his age! Jane Felix-Browne, who has been divorced five times, really knows how to pick em!

I don’t know who created this, but this is seriously the smallest flask I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, common, I could get more wasted off a Smirnoff Ice and Pixie Sticks. A gallon of hard liquor? HA!

If you ever had the itching desire to feel like a teabag/ball sack, these newly developed “Cocoon” outdoor tents can definitely show you a thing or two about a thing or two. Although I always thought I had as much drive to live as one of those fighter sperms, never did I think I could encapsulate myself in an actual testicle on a serious level. Praises to industrial designer John Moriarty!

It’s summer time baby, which means blue skies, international love affairs, and crackhead airports. Don’t let lost luggage rain on your parade, be a smartie and follow these helpful hints:

·          If you check your bags, lateness can cause some real drama in making it to your final destination.  Give yourself ample time before your flight takes off — try to arrive at the airport at least an hour and a half prior to your flight (apply asian time as needed).

·          Secure several ID tags on your bag – I prefer mine to say “Rockstar”

·          Remove any old flight tags. Airline workers aren’t the brightest colors of the rainbow… avoid any potential confusion.

·          On that note, make sure your bags make it to the conveyor belt and that your tags have the right destination.

·          Guard your luggage receipt with your life. If your bags get shipped to Guatemala, the sticker is your only proof of ownership.

·          If your bags don’t make the flight, locate the baggage agent asap and file a report. They may have came on an earlier/later flight. Insist on talking to an agent face to face, so they can see the fury in your eyes.

·          For the extra paranoid, put a spare copy of your itinerary in your carry on. This will ensure some information in case tags fall off.

I always knew Michael Lohan was no genius, but I would never suspect that he would fail in spelling his own firstborn cash-cow, I mean, child’s name. In battling his ex-wife for visitation rights, Michael issued a press release that misspelled Lindsay’s name as “Lyndsay”. I mean, common, that’s like not even remotely close. And who in the face of the earth has really ever spelled Lindsay like that anyway. Good job McFly, all you can do now is try to play it off as a typo.

never really knew butt plugs actually existed, but check out this uber festive one from the makers of “Smell Gibson”, which is appropriately named “Parass Hilton – Jailbird edition”. This piece of booty magic comes colored with black and white stripes and will provide more hours of fun than Trivial Pursuit on acid. But before you get your panties in a twist, the anal assassin is already sold out. Eager beavers may have to settle on the flesh colored original, or the always fun “assquake” which is guaranteed to be a real hoot!

If you thought being a Rockstar couldn’t get any easier, think again. The Air Guitar Pro is an instrumental tool for air guitarists everywhere, that actually plays music and makes you feel a little more legit as a musician than you did before. You basically hold the chord buttons on the fretboard and then proceed in strumming the air. Infrared sensors detect your motions and actually play the note! The only problem is, doesn’t this defeat the purpose of an air guitar? It’s like having an imaginary friend that really talks and people can hear it. Awkward!

In honor of the new Simpsons movie, 7-11s everywhere are randomly converting to the Kwik-E-Mart often featured in Simpsons episodes. Check out this one in Burbank. Not only did the 7-11 change their name, but they are also featuring Squishees and Krusty-O’s. The concept is really cool, but I bet they don’t have a cashier with an ass that don’t quit like that hottie Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Boy, that’s what Indo dreams are made of.

I know we’ve got you hooked up for the weekend (Sunset Beach in LA, Deco’s in SD), but where are you to party on the actual July 4^th holiday???

Let Friction be your guide:

July 4th Fireworks Spectacular
The star-studded BYOB party is so hot, it’s going off for three days!
July 2-4
Hollywood Bowl, 2301 Highland Ave., Hollywood / (323) 850-2000

4th of July at the Queen Mary
All aboard for a celebration that includes fireworks over the bay, guided tours of the ship, and fine dining.
July 4
Queen Mary, 1126 Queens Highway, South of LA / (562) 590-3100>

4th of July Reggae Boat Party
The aurora will be chronic-tastic as Reggae heads rock the boat on this reggae dance cruise—how better to celebrate Independence Day than singing songs of freedom? The 21-and-over affair features a live band, cash bar (yay capitalism!) and barbecue.
July 4
140 Marina Drive, South of LA / (562) 799-7000

<4th of July BBQ
The beautiful Aquarium of the Pacific will host a bbq with everything from tri-tip to hot dogs. Attendees will also have a spectacular view of the fireworks on the Aquarium’s Harbor Terrace.
July 4
100 Aquarium Way, South of LA / (562) 590-3100